We are down to days, my friends...I can't believe May is here and we will be bringing a baby girl home sometime very soon. The last weeks have gone by fast for the most part and I'm sure these next days will too. May is always a bit faster paced month anyways with end of school stuff, graduations, spring weddings, garden planting, yard clean-up...and this year...babies!
The end of this pregnancy is bitter-sweet. I can't really explain it without feeling like I sound crazy to others...so here's my best shot at my experience within my heart these last few weeks while it's me and her together still. Finding out I was carrying a child this time around had a large mix of emotions for me, but mostly deep, deep gratitude and humility. You see, baby girl came into my life at a time when I was slowly becoming much more aware to God's daily drops of grace in our lives. As I left behind a time period of feeling worn and broken, I was walking into a new place of being comfortable in my skin the way I was and finding joy in the little gifts He places in front of us each day. And then He landed this little lady into my lap, well into my womb really, even after I wasn't sure how he blessed me with 3 children to begin with when I was feeling like I was letting Him down in the mother department. But there this little life was...wonderfully and fearfully made for me to grow just under my heart and within this body that was feeling like it was just starting to function well again. This time of carrying life has been many things...from exhausting and achy and stretchy and tired and beautiful and grace filled and glowing and happy and joyful and nervousness and about anything in between. But one thing that has stayed constant each day is the huge layer of grace I feel to have her with me... My Savior believes in me, even when I don't, and this baby has reminded me for so many days as I feel her move that while we are all broken, we are still beautiful in His eyes and He does great things with broken people...like make perfect baby girls. So I end this pregnancy with a thankful heart for this unexpected gift, so very humbled to have her with me for all these weeks and now getting ready to bring her into this world and do my best to mother her in a way that brings glory to Him. Excited and sad all at the same time... Blessed, blessed be Thy name.
I'm not going to lie. While I have loved carrying this little life in me, it is no secret I also feel tired, big, and old...pregnant in my 20's was a bit easier on my ole body then in my almost mid-30's. I am looking forward to taking full breaths again, sleeping on my back, and bending over without losing all ability to breath at all. Adding a fourth child is a bit intimidating to me too... 4 little people. I love it and it scares me all at the same time!!!
I am so looking forward to summer time though and being home with our new family and adjusting to life as a family of six. The older I get the more of an introvert I realize I am, and when big changes like new babies come along, I tend to scale back on things outside the home and just enjoy and experience the new things happening within my own 4 walls. It has taken me 4 kids to admit out loud that while I love people meeting our new babes...I don't love lots of visitors right away...I hate hurting people's feelings so I never say no, but after 3 kids I have the courage to be real about my need for space after a new baby arrives. So, don't be offended if you don't see me for a bit or don't get an invite to come meet her right away or I don't answer when you call :) ...it's not you at all...it's me (or the craziness of 4 kids that keeps me from socializing for the next 2 years! ha!)! I just need some one on one time with my new babe, some space to help my family transition with the new addition, and some quite to rest and move forward well after a big life change. And I guess by the 4th a gal gets enough courage to be honest about those first few days and weeks!
Baby Girl...we are so very excited to meet you, a bit tired just thinking about no sleep again, and ready to bring out the pink! 38 weeks old this week... baby days are just around the corner!