It's been two months since we stood beside our friends while they said goodbye to their sweet little almost 2 year old boy. In some ways, it feels like so long ago and other times the emotions are so raw it feels like 2 hours ago. As with any tragic experience, they don't tend to leave you very quickly. Life at our house has, for the most part, gone back to normal. When you have kids you really have no choice other then to tie your laces up and keep hitting the pavement... you keep going. However, every so often my mind drifts to how my heart has changed since that sweet baby boy died. Don't get me wrong...I think about it daily, but I don't let my heart FEEL what it wants to very often. I often wonder how our friends are walking through each day right now. I'm not sure I'd want to even get out of bed most days, to be honest. I continue to beg God to bring them joy again and hearts that can sustain through this life until they too can meet their baby boy in heaven.
My heart has been changed and the way I see life has changed. The way I worship has changed too. Worship can be a variety of things for different people. For me it's been a long walk through God's creation, sitting next to the ocean or the mountains and feeling His realness, power, and strength, praying with a close friend, or singing my heart out during amazing worship sets. Lately, worship has been hard. If you have sat next to me the last month or so in church, I apologize if I make you uncomfortable. Being surrounded by God's words, love, and grace through worship time at church has forced me to face what my heart is really feeling deep inside. And, it often hurts. Lately, if I've run alone on the trails I usually can't get through my miles without at least one good cry and a cry out to God for peace and hope for our friends. I find myself avoiding running alone and showing up for church late just so I don't have to sit through worship music more then once. What used to be my life line to God is becoming a place I'd like to avoid for a bit, until I can let me heart settle some of this pain.
Realizing this about myself has me asking lots of questions. Will I risk feeling yucky inside long enough to let God bring me peace? What does God want to teach me about myself through this horrible experience that isn't even my own, but our friends? What kind of woman do I want to be that will walk with God as he works on our hurting hearts? Can I find joy in worshiping again the way I used to? How come we have to feel so bad inside to really feel God's love for us? Am I doing all I can to be the mommy and wife God intends for me? How come I feel this anxiousness for my kid's safety in a way I never have? Am I trusting God enough? When will He make good come from this for our friend's sake?
While I let my heart work in an open and close type way, I also am seeing God as SO much bigger then I thought before. I fear God like I never have before. I now understand a bit better how much God wants me to love HIM more then anything else. I am SO thankful for what I do have, despite my undeserving soul. I suppose He will show me back to the way to worship. In some ways it's been the best worship ever when I let myself crack a bit and let Him in and my feelings out, but it also takes an emotional toll...one I am sometimes too tired to deal with.
Life is great at the Hansen house. It really is. I just am needing some time to slowly release my heart's thoughts while we keep moving forward. In the mean time, I am going to keep trying to worship... until it feels like joy and freedom again.